1 in 5 of Your Friends Is Getting Kinky — Should You Be Too?

Half the population is interested in kink

Sharing the most intimate details of your sex life is still largely taboo. But if you can’t talk about it with your closest friends, is bringing it up in the bedroom going to be that much easier?

If it weren’t for mainstream erotica and softcore pornography (hello, “Fifty Shades of Grey”), you might not have known much about experimenting with boundaries in the bedroom. And if it wasn’t for anonymous studies, we might not know just how many Americans have tried — and liked — spanking and tying each other up.

The truth is that at least some of your friends have probably tried it — and one out of five make it part of their regular play in the bedroom. According to the Sexual Exploration in America Study more than 22 percent of sexually active adults engage in role-playing, while more than 20 percent have engaged in being tied up and spanking.

Perhaps more surprising? Another survey found that nearly half of the 1,040 people surveyed were interested in kink, even if they hadn’t had the opportunity to explore it. And there’s growing research that getting adventurous in the bedroom could have multiple benefits, both for your health and your relationship.

Let’s back up for a moment: What exactly qualifies as kink?

While the word kink doesn’t have a medical or technical definition, it’s generally any sexual practice that falls out of convention — commonly considered acts such as loving touch, romantic talk, kissing, vaginal penetration, masturbation, and oral sex. “Kink” itself refers to anything that bends away from the “straight and narrow,” though there are a few categories that commonly fall under the kinky sex umbrella:

• BDSM. When most people think of kinky sex, they think of BDSM, a four-letter acronym that stands for six different things: Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. BDSM includes an extremely wide range of activities, from light paddle spanking and dominant/submissive role-playing to bondage parties and pain play.
• Fantasy and role-playing. One of the most common forms of kinky sex involves creating imagined scenarios. This could be as simple as talking about a fantasy in bed, to as complex as wearing costumes or acting out scenes in front of strangers.
• Fetishes. One out of four men and women are interested in fetish play, defined as treating a nonsexual object or body part sexually. Common fetishes include the feet and shoes, leather or rubber, and diaper play (yes).
• Voyeurism or exhibitionism. Watching someone undress or watching a couple have sex without their knowledge are common voyeur fantasies while having sex in a public place is one form of exhibitionism. Both are surprisingly common (and kinky) — 35 percent of adults surveyed were interested in voyeurism.
• Group sex. Threesomes, sex parties, orgies, and more — group sex is any act that involves more than two people. and 18 percent of men have participated in group sex, while even higher percentages voiced interest in the idea.

Kinky sex can be beneficial in some surprising way

• less neurotic
• more extroverted
• more open to new experiences
• more conscientious
• less rejection-sensitive

They also had higher subjective well-being compared to the control group. This could mean two things: That people with these traits are attracted to kinky sex, or that kinky sex can help you grow and gain confidence. But the latter is very probable, especially as we research more about the effects of kinky sex.

For example, a study from 2009 found that couples that engaged in positive, consensual sadomasochistic (SM) activity had lower levels of the harmful stress hormone cortisol, and also reported greater feelings of relationship closeness and intimacy after their sexual play.

And a preliminary study of a handful of “switches” (people who take on the opposite role they’re used to, such as a dom who becomes a sub) found that consensual BDSM can reduce anxiety by bringing the mind to an altered “flow” state of consciousness. This is similar to the feeling some get when they experience a “runner’s high,” engage in creating art, or practice yoga.

In mainstream media, BDSM is often associated with abuse and violence. Some practitioners have even faced persecution and discrimination because of their kinks. But studies show that the average person who engages in consensual kink has above-average psychological health.

You don’t need a lot of fancy equipment

The image of a leather-clad dominatrix wielding a matching whip might jump to mind when you think of kinky sex. But really, all you need is an imagination and a partner who’s game.

If you enjoy certain fetishes or want to explore the world more thoroughly, there are definitely stores for that. But trying kink isn’t nearly as equipment-heavy as, say, playing in your local recreational hockey league. You don’t even need blindfolds or handcuffs if you want to get playful with sensory deprivation or restraints — a tie or pillowcase can work in both cases.

Remember: Kinky sex is what you want it to be

The core tenets of successful kinky sex are similar to those of any strong, long-term relationship:

• communication
• trust
• understanding
• patience